Maryam

Basically, it would be nice if you would back off. And it would help if I didn't have to hang out with you almost every weekend. I don't want to talk to you. Actually, it would be better if you just ignored me, really. Because if you come around and realize that you might give a shit about me, then during that time, you can put some effort into a conversation. But please, don't find some sort of reason to talk to me, and then shun the opportunity to actually talk. You don't have to be a douche bad. You are choosing to be. And when I'm around you, I find it nearly impossible to be in love consciousness. So just back off, please and leave me alone. I don't need any half assed friends. I'm looking for people who can be real with me. And you are nothing close to that. So, walk out, I'm closing the door, it's locked, I destroyed the key. Goodbye.

It is 1:18 AM and I am not even half way done with homework. I am currently working on:

Oedipus Essay

and then I have 2 statistics work sheets, 2 psychology worksheets. I love school. Love love love it. I will come back and let you know when I'm done because I know you care oh so very much!

edit: sleeping at 2:32 AM! Wooo!!! School wake up for school in 3.5 hours.

There has been a lot on my mind lately.

My family really is not doing well financially anymore. My parents are barely making enough money at their rental car. My sister worked 100 hours last week so she can cover all of our payments. My brother is being really slow with getting a job and my job barely covers my own payments.

I hate the job that I work at. I hate everything about it. I get really depressed and unhappy when I have to go and with the little amount of hours that I'm working, there is really no point of even working there. I'm turning in my 2 week notice tomorrow. This means that I have to find a new job. Getting a job lately hasn't been so easy for me. But I found over 10 places that are hiring right now. One of them is bound to hire me, I hope.

I don't have money to spend for fun anymore. I'm constantly worried about the money in my account. It's been a while since I've had food outside of home. I won't even go out to eat anymore, no matter how bad I'm starving. I really just can't afford it anymore. I buy my clothes from thrift stores now. I don't really mind because I save so much money and I find clothes that I will wear all the time. But it just sucks knowing that I used to have money to buy all the nice expensive crap. I dunno. All I can pay for are my voice lessons. I've cut off my guitar lessons and piano lessons completely.

I hate school. I hate everyone at my school. Everyone around me just pisses me off. Truth is, I feel like everyone around me is staying the same and I keep getting older. I feel like an 18 year old adult stuck in a carnival full of year old whining babies. I get annoyed of people who whine over stupid shit that they forget about 5 minutes after they whine about it. I don't look forward to anything. I don't really care for Logan Live. I don't really care for any other of my classes either.

I'm gaining weight and breaking out like crazy. I'm not like this big fat hideous acne face monster. But, I used to be lighter and had clearer skin. I don't even pay attention to what I eat anymore. It just goes in my mouth and I have no idea what the hell I'm swallowing. I've been going to the gym but I can't find that high motivation that a lot of people need in order to consistently eat right and exercise.

I feel alone. I feel stuck. I feel like no one is really completely there for me. My family always is. But what the hell happened to friends? The only friend that I feel like I can talk to and I feel is actually listening and giving me some sort of guidance is Laura.

I don't even have motivation to write music anymore. I'm in the middle of writing this amazing song, but I can't think of any freakin lyrics. After 20 minutes of trying, I just get tired and give up. I'm not like that. It's not like me.

I feel everyone around me is a big fake. They have this stupid disguise on, trying to hide what is really inside. Spreading negative energy towards everyone just to make themselves feel all high and mighty. Pretending certain things are cool just because everyone else does. Let me go make fun of this girl to make myself feel betterrr! Yeaahh self esteem! When are you gonna be your own person? Woooo sex drugs and alcohol! Yeah! I'm gonna go PAARTTYYY all night. Such an accomplishment guys. And then go home crying because your mom cut off your text messages for smoking too much pot and you can't go out and get high with your buddies tonight. Boohoo. Big fucking deal. Grow Up. People are losing their jobs, getting kicked out of their homes, eating refried beans for dinner every night.

I wake up every morning with no reason to get up. Nobody I'm really anxious to see. No where I really want to be. Nothing I really want to do. I have no energy to lift my eyelids open and see the light. I'm scared shitless of the world, thats for sure. I have no idea what it's going to throw at me. But I need some guidance. And that's something that's hard to do alone.

and people disappoint me sometimes. I always see the best in people and then they screw it up by just being plain immature and stupid. It's like doode, calm down and stop passing yourself around everywhere. don't be so easy, because really, it's not so appealing.

on the bright side.
i dyed my hair today.
-no pun intended-

yeah you won't really get the pun until you see my hair. HA'SSSSSS(creepyoldmanfromfamilyguy ssss sound)

im kinda hungry. and i feel i should be more excited. not for my hunger. for my birthday. but eh. i guess it's the old kicking in. it will be SO WIERD. to say I'm seventeen.


'nuff said.

( My Behbeh's! )

CONGRATULATIONS!

You and a guest are invited to a private show with…PARAMORE at the Helio Store in Palo Alto!



Thursday, November 8th @ 3pm

(Please arrive at least 30 minutes prior to event)



Your name will be on a guest list plus one.



YOU MUST BRING A PICTURE ID and printout of this email.

(This e-mail is not a ticket; this should be used for notification purposes.)



Helio Palo Alto is located at 432 University Ave, Palo Alto, CA 94301


IM AT WORK RIGHT NOW AND IM REALLY TRYING NOT TO SCREAM!
WOWOWOWOWOWOWO.

Today was rad.
I had my first lessons for vocal training today. It was crazyyy. This lady is so amazing. I learned so much in just the half hour that I was there. She records the lesson so I can take it home and practice until my next lesson. She's so cute and super nice and I can't wait to listen to what I sound like a month from now.

"you sure do got yourself some pipes girl. you have such a strong voice, it's amazing"


pretty much made my day :]

On Saturday I went to a wedding in Pittsburg. It was fun and there were ALOT of cute boys. that does not happen at weddings. ever.

Yesterday I went to work and went to the circus! haha it was cool. Lots of elephants and horses and clowns. it was just me and my family. We ate at cheesecake factory last night. which was why I ran my ass off today.

Today I will be going to Jenna's housseee. haven't seen that xbeezyx in days. hahah.
Tomorrow is schedule pickup! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. and then shopping in SF.

and Wednesday. is school. wah. wAH. WWWAAHHH!


shaboobalaBOOOTSY.

I got a letter yesterday from the People To People Ambassadors Program. They send me letters like this every year because I'm a student "ambassador" of Alameda County and I'm supposedly really smart? heh.

Well anyway the lettter said I'm invited to go with a bunch of kids from Alameda county next Summer to:

-Travel and study in England, Wales, and Ireland with high school students from Alameda County.
-Rappel down a tower of midievil Penrhyn Castle in Wales with experienced outdoor guides as a part of a leadership training adventure
-Learn to speak Welsh, celebrate Irish music and dance, and experience historic fortresses on Ireland's rugged west coast.
-Go behind the scenes with a former member of Parliament, explore the ancient Roman city of Bath, and brave the dungeons and towers of midieval castles.
-Stay with a warm, welcoming local family, take in a London Theatre show, and have your pictures taken with a Beefeater at the Tower of London.


WOWOWOWWOWOWOWOWOWWOWOWOEEE

doode. thats hella cray cray. but i really wanna go. there's an information meeting like next week.
they make it sound so exotic and cool. and my mom hella wants me to go.


ANYWHO.
i went to the mall yesterday.
bought purple chords.
a RUN DMC t shirt
and some plain t shirts
work today. gonna talk to the boss about my raise.


SCHOOL IS IN ONE WEEK. BOOOO BOOOO.

( The Beach Is Where We Belong )

Goals:

-run 5 days a week. (at least)
-ride my bike 2 days a week(it's supposed to make you taller!)
-stay away from bad food
-drop from a size 6 to size 4 (maybe 2)
-keep practicing guitar
-save money
-save money for a new guitar (electric/acoustic)
-get vocal training
-start going to blue bear music school starting September
-start writing
-get another funky haircut before school starts
-keep myself happy.

omgggg I'm so tired. I HATE Coldstone. the pay sucks. My sister said that she could probably get me a job at Walgreens once her boss gets back in a couple of weeks. I would have to go to Milpitas though. which I don't mind. I just don't wanna work at Coldstone. But yeah, we'll see.


hmmm. boys. wow. there aren't any.


errrrrr. tahoe next weekend? I think?
Sacramento the weekend after.


uhm yeah. I'm just bored and ranting about nothing.



current thought of the moment: how cute it would be if a boy held my hand right now.


okayimwierdbye.

OMFG. IT'S JULY. AND IT'S POURING RAIN OUTSIDE.



hella gay. i just washed my car too.

My sister told me that we both have 170 dollars worth of upgrades for our phone. So we can get a new one. Soo0o0o0 I'm either gonna go today and pick one out or tomorrow morning. I wwant to ask if I can get my text messaging back. I mean c'mon...it's been ONE YEAR since I've had them taken away. I think I've learned my lesson. I learned that I should delete all text messages I know my parents wouldn't be happy to read. HA.
I'm gonna look for a phone online right now.


Oh and. I'm never calling a boy again. Unless he asks me to call him right that second. yeah. don't ask.

You know, I just realized that Mikoto played at a show in Fremont with a bunch of fremont bands and they're signed to DRIVE THRU RECORDS. WTF! i hella didnt know that. hella CRAY CRAY.


annddd I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GO TO SURNA'S PARTY AFTERALL!

( Retards. )

( Warped Tour 2007 (TWAS EPIC) )

I feel I have a lot on my mind. I think the reason why I have trouble paying attention to what people say, movies, and television is because I have a lot on my mind. I think the reason why I can't sleep until 3 pm is because I have a lot on my mind. all the time. While people are talking to me, I am thinking of something else. Thousands of thoughts swamp my mind every second. My problems, my solutions, my insecurities, the bland color of my hair. Why one side of my upper lip is bigger than the other, why I don't have a boyfriend. I don't understand it and I constantly wonder. I wonder as I sit on a 12x12 desk at school, I wonder as I tangle myself in my sheets at night, I wake up wondering, I wonder as I chew through low fat food, I wonder as I blink. One thought leads to another thought and to another. I have no motivation to learn how to play the fucking guitar or to lose weight. I know I want these things, but as soon as I sense failure or lack of results, I give up. And then I try again. and I give up. And this process is repetitive. I'm not a pessimist or an optimist. I don't know what I am. That's what I always think about. I stay up late every night and stare dumbly at the sky just thinking. And as I think, I wonder if someone else is in my exact place, thinking the exact same thing. It's confusing. I'm confusing. Really, I wish I could understand myself.

My schedule for next week:


Monday:
Work 3-6.
Study for English Final
Make pizza for P.E. Final.
Write Chemistry Reference sheet for final
memorize monologue

Tuesday
Work 6-cl
Study for Geo and Chem Final
memorize monologue

Wednesday
memorize monologue
study history final

Thursday
Last day of school. Get out of 12.
Do something cool.
Work from 6-cl.

Friday
Go to Santa Cruz for a graduation.
(yessss Santa Cruz=hawttt boyz)

Saturday
Work 10-4
HEY YOU, ME AND YOU LETS HANG OUT.

Sunday
Father's day. Hang out with my pops.

Monday
Store meeting from 9-11
Work from 12-4
This Providence show @ SJ Skate from 6-weneva

Tuesday
paayydayyyy.

dayum.

I look at life and most of it is good. I feel free alot of the time while driving down the sunny roads while blasting my music. I have been exersising a lot and working. My grades are good, not as good as I wish it would be. But I'm still satisfied with it. I don't have anything lower than a B.

School will be over in 3 weeks. and Summer will start. I'm really excited for summer. There's a lot I want to do.
Drive. Beach. Swim. Work. Shop. Shows. Bikeriding. Music. Strawberry Lemonade. Sounds great.

I'm listening to Jamisonparker right now and the only reason why I'm telling you this is because it reminds me of last year. Last year was my freshman year and I'm almost done with my sophmore year. I will be a junior in the next school year. I was so excited for school to be over, but now I feel like it's going so fast. I don't think I realize how fast time is really passing by. It's almost scary how fast I went from a freshman to almost a junior. It won't be too long from now until I graduate and follow my dreams. It's crazy.

I miss Ryan. I think I've been thinking of her almost everyday lately. We had so much fun together. I just wish she wouldn't have screwed our friendship over. Friends suck lately. Seriously, there's nobody to talk to about anything. I've just been getting more and more annoyed of people lately. I think that's why I think of Ryan all the time. There was never a dull moment. Oh well. I guess. It's not like there's anything I can do.